BUSH to CONGRESS: “HAVE THIS ON MY DESK”

TITLE: Bush Prods Congress To Act On Stalled Legislative Agenda

AUTHOR: THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SOURCE: http://www.nydailynews.com

DATE: 31 March 2008

BODY:

WASHINGTON- On his way out of the country, President Bush stopped long enough Monday to tell Congress what to do while he was away: pass legislation he wants on matters of trade, housing and terrorist surveillance.

[Ed. Comment: Uh-huh. "Have this on my desk by the time I get back. Thanks, Junior. CEO, USA" His job must be so much easier now that the will of the People is out of the way. Bravo!]

In a quick statement from the driveway along the South Lawn, Bush tried to frame a legislative agenda for lawmakers once again.

[he'll frame the lawmakers, too.]

Bush and first lady Laura Bush then flew by helicopter to Andrews Air Force Base, where they departed for Ukraine. The president is also visiting Romania, Croatia and Russia in a trip built around the NATO summit in Bucharest, Romania.

Addressing reporters, Bush said Congress should pass a free-trade deal with Colombia, a law to modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and an update to a law allowing eavesdropping on suspected terrorists.

[in short, he wants his free cocaine, a bailout for his buddies, and to circumvent Due Process of Law and the Constitution just for shits and giggles ...again!]

“These are all vital priorities,” Bush said. “I ask members of both parties to get these important pieces of legislation to my desk as soon as possible.”

["Yes, Master!"]

The intelligence law Bush wants would make it easier for the government to spy on foreign phone calls and e-mails that pass through the United States.

[i.e.: The Palmetto Patriot = suspected terrorists?]

He will accept only a version that gives legal protection to telecommunications companies that helped the government wiretap U.S. computer and phone lines after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks without clearance from a secret court. Some lawmakers object to give the companies that level of legal immunity.

[...so that he doesn't have to pardon them himself for their illegal behavior. He doesn't know how to write.]

“Our intelligence professionals are waiting on Congress to give them the tools they need to monitor terrorist communications,” Bush said.

[George Washington was a terrorist, too; in British eyes, anyway]

Bush said the housing law he wants would allow more struggling homeowners to refinance their mortgages.

[his friends asked for some help with their real estate problems]

He said the trade pact with Colombia is an important way of helping a South American ally and businesses in the United States.

[and to get free cocaine on his desk every week.]

The president took no questions.

[SURPRISE!]

On his trip, Bush is promoting NATO expansion and trying to shore up ties with allies. But many world leaders have begun looking beyond him as his second White House term winds down.

Bush is beginning with a stop in Ukraine to tout that country’s democratic reforms.

[He wants to know what democracy is.]

The president then goes to Romania for his last summit with NATO leaders, where the alliance’s membership and the war in Afghanistan will be key topics.

[We've secretly replaced the Afghan government with rich Folger's crystals. Will they know the difference?]

Bush is also scheduled to visit Croatia and head to Russia for what will likely be his final meeting with Vladimir Putin as Russian president. Bush hopes to break a logjam between the two nations over a proposed U.S. missile defense system; Putin’s successor takes over in May.

[and if he can't un-jam his log he'll be very cross and tell his daddy]

The agenda is part of the busiest travel year in Bush’s presidency. He went to the Middle East in January and to Africa in February. After his current trip, Bush has five more major excursions on the books - from Europe to Asia, the Middle East to South America.

[why not? Might as well get some travel at taxpayers' expense while he still can]

Bush remains relevant to the end of his term as Commander In Chief. But some world leaders have begun to calculate how far they should commit to a president whose days are numbered and whose legacy had been tarnished by the war in Iraq. The 2008 U.S. presidential race is grabbing attention overseas.

[No shit. Europeans can't wait for Obama to be sworn in.]

At NATO, Bush is seeking to expand the alliance to include three Balkan countries - Albania, Croatia and Macedonia. He also wants Ukraine and Georgia to be on track for membership, but that idea faces stiff resistance from Putin, who sees it as a threat into Russia’s former sphere of influence.

[Don't worry, Junior, we'll get those commies someday! Oh wait...]

But Bush sees NATO expansion as a way to cement democratic gains in Europe. The United States and its NATO allies remain broadly united about the war in Afghanistan, but there has been trans-Atlantic bickering on how to proceed, too.

[Gangbang in Afghanistan! Woohoo! Free brown women for everyone!]

MONKEY VILLAGE goes BANANAS at TRANSIT LOUNGE

ENTERTAINMENT - REVIEWS

by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot

MIAMI - Tonight, my tropical compatriots, you may know one of the greatest reasons for which I miss my Miami so dearly. No, not because the writer of Dexter keeps stealing my one-liners… I am writing this as a PERSONAL TESTAMENT to the AWESOME GROOVELICITY of Monkey Village, because many of you know how strict a connoisseur of music both fine and funky I am, and that the altar of my church is in fact a subwoofer.

If you have never seen or heard of the Monkey Village, I am at Miss Anne’s behest letting you in on one of Miami’s VERY BEST music secrets. Believe you me, Europe has NOTHING on these guys!Tonight on the longest night of the year, Monkey Village is having their PHASE IV CD RELEASE PARTY, which erupts tonight from 10pm-2am at the Transit Lounge (729 sw 1st Ave, Brickell) for an AMAZING $0 cover!

Monkey Village is a collaborative sampling of Miami’s best music, a swirling blend of irregular appearances of various band members from SUENALO, SPAM ALL-STARS, LANZALLAMAS MONOFONICA, ELASTIC BOND, LOCOS por JUANA, AFROBETA, SHE SAID, CLEVELAND JONES, JUST THE TIP, JESSE JACKSON, OUT OF THE ANONYMOUS and RAW B JAE.If that’s not impressive enough, then those of you who also know my tendency to RAMBLE should also be made aware that the SHEER TALENT of this musical ensemble has for rendered me happily and utterly SPEECHLESS for many years now.

Tonight’s select ensemble celebrates the newest Monkey Village CD, Phase IV, and the ensemble tonight includes the following performers: Emiliano, Lasim, El Negro, and Lakambra of Locos Por Juana; Rodrigo of Juke; RaRa Kuyu; Cristy, Angela & Geneva of She Said; Ulysses of Out Of The Anonymous; Brian of Raw B Jae; and trippy visual art by Eva Ruiz and Arlene Davila.

If by chance you’re a PUNK and can’t make it to the show, I strongly advise keeping an ear or at least a GOOGLE ALERT out for this protean party wagon wherever it turns up! Violators will answer to me. Papa Pooka wouldn’t steer you wrong, at least not on music anyway!

MUSIC MASKS MOODY MIAMI MONDAYS

ENTERTAINMENT - REVIEWS

NOTHING TO DO IN MIAMI ON MONDAY NIGHTS?
Prayers Born from Adult Boredom Have Been Answered
by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot

For many years I have suffered the Monday blues in Miami… the beginning of the work week is not only bright and full of assholes, but a sharp contrast to the weekend nightlife that has raked billions of pookied-out dollars into the local economy for over a decade. It’s like chocolate withdrawal, a taxing rehabilitation for the Miami-born Night Owl. However, I am now able to declare, using a quote from Red Dwarf: “‘Tis p’shaw and nonsense!”

For starters, grab a buddy and head on down to Laundry Bar [701 Lincoln Lane North, South Beach] for a quick drink and larf… Ask bartender Ernie to blow fire from his mouth with some 151. Yes, it’s primarily a lesbian venue, so there’s plenty of appeal for you wannabe-lesbian straight dudes out there. But it’s no cover and 2-4-1 until 9pm, after which it gets kind of un-interesting anyway, so how can you go wrong?

Then once your spin cycle is finished, cross over to the mainland and hit the Transit Lounge [729 SW 1st Ave @ Calle Ocho, Brickell District] for JAM Night. There’s no cover, the drinks are cheap, and as the night suggests, it’s a jam! Locals armed with loaded instruments get up and grind with regulars and irregulars from the local latin jazz & funk scene, Spam All-Stars, Suénalo, Smurphio, Lanzallamas Monofónicas… the deep resulting rhythms are enough to awaken my art directors’s self-dubbed volcanopussy. See big daddy Chad prove himself the best trombonist this side of the Mississippi and a smokin’ hot mac daddy to boot!

If the fire’s ready to cool off, then may I suggest the most pleasant surprise of all? Miami Jazz Jam at, of all places, Churchill’s Hideaway [5501 NE 2nd Ave, Little Haiti], lays down a smooth game in the unlikeliest of places. We went for a quick swoop thru Sweat Records, but instead of the usual, cheap and desperate punk-meets-G-Unit fare that has infested Churchill’s for a decade, we were enticed inside by the refreshing vocals of Renée Fiallos and her jazz ensemble. Fiallo’s easy-breezy songbird voice soars thru the air like the ghost of Ella, Billie or Nina, with as much appeal. The band, which will release a new CD this September, is noticeably more eclectic, utopian and talented than anything we’d seen in the Miami underground, and is not to be missed. That’s an order.

So, little Miami kiddies, your prayers for something to do Monday nights have been answered in the most surprising of ways. Where once was silence now is jazz. The axis runs hot on the South end, cool on the North end, and wonderful at both. Dust off your fannies, summon up your cognac-lust, and enjoy.

JAM night at Transit Lounge starts at 10pm.

Miami Jazz Jam at Churchill’s Hideaway starts at 9:30.

Renee Fiallos & Ensemble play at 1:00am.

FORBES: Miami Tops America’s Shitlist

[Ed. Note: We at the Palmetto Patriot apologize for re-posting this incredibly mundane swill of real estate gargle, but we again find it interesting that someone has fudged a set of numbers that construes Miami, once again, as America's Top Sh**hole. Thanks, America!]

TITLE: RISKIEST U.S. HOUSING MARKETS

AUTHOR: Matt Woolsey (FORBES.com)

SOURCE: http://www.forbes.com/2007/07/17/risk-housing-homes-forbeslife-cx_mw_0717realestate.html

BODY:

Those looking to spin the real estate roulette wheel might want to steer clear of Miami. It ranks first on our list of the nation’s riskiest real estate markets. There, a high share of adjustable-rate mortgages, high vacancy rates and slumping prices still too elevated for the local populous means should long-term bond yields climb, interest rates jump or the housing crisis linger much longer, things could go from bad to worse. Affairs are not much better farther north–or west.

Following in Miami’s wake are Orlando, Sacramento and San Francisco. Our ranking of the country’s riskiest markets measures which of the 40 largest metros are most vulnerable to future shocks. We’ve done this by assessing which have the most strained lending conditions, and which markets are the most overvalued and likely to face downward price pressures. Many of the cities on our list–like San Francisco and San Diego–are traditional high fliers where speculators can still make a lot of money if they pick the right neighborhood or hit the price trough. Of course, they might also take a serious bath.

Others, like Chicago or Phoenix, are generally stable markets that are currently under significant strains. Finally, some, like Cincinnati or Kansas City, are precariously teetering and are not well equipped to handle further downturn.

Crunching The Numbers

A good place to start in assessing risk is the state of the local mortgage market. Take adjustable-rate mortgages, or ARMs, in which borrowers, for a limited time, usually five or seven years, make interest-only or reduced-rate payments. The most obvious danger in this is that at the end of the five- or seven-year term, monthly payments increase to a rate the borrower is unable to sustain. Given Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke’s continuing worries about inflation, economists say there’s a good chance rates could go up in the next couple of years, meaning that the increased costs of lending will be passed along to ARM borrowers, and that can mean higher rates of defaults. What’s more, high ARM share generally means a market is unaffordable to its residents.

The metros with the highest shares of ARMs, according to the National Association of Realtors, are in San Francisco, San Diego and Los Angeles, respectively. These three cities are also the most overpriced, according to our price-to-earnings measure. And these areas are three of the four least affordable to the local population, according to the National Association of Home Builders and Wells Fargo’s affordability index. If rates go up or lending tightens, fewer will be able to buy in, bringing the markets to a screeching halt. Another arbiter of risk? Cities with a high proportion of mortgages with loan-to-value ratios in excess of 90%. Loan-to-value (LTV) measures the size of the mortgage to a home’s overall value. In a standard home buy, the down payment is 10% of the overall value, meaning the LTV is 90%. When the loan-to-value ratio is above 90%, it means buyers have little equity in their homes. And homeowners with low equity are far more likely to default or walk away from a mortgage.

If the market teeters and lenders take a hit from defaults, it can depress prices overall, as is currently being seen with the subprime lending fallout. For that reason, Kansas City is particularly vulnerable. It has a 39% share of mortgages with LTV ratios above 90%. The median rate for cities on our list was 11%, according to the National Association of Realtors. We next mixed in a price-to-earnings ratio for each market. (Like the P/E of a stock, this value attempts to measure the price a homeowner would pay for one dollar of return.) Using data from the National Association of Realtors, the U.S. Census Bureau and the Office of Federal Housing Enterprise Oversight, we took each market’s median home price and divided it by annual rents minus taxes and insurance for those properties.

The price-to-earnings ratio highlights two significant risks. It magnifies risk factors in overly expensive markets in which there is more money at stake. For example, a 5% drop in median home prices in San Francisco is possible; but the nominal equivalent, a 24% price drop in Dallas, is not something the market is likely to bear. Second, overvalued bubble markets are more likely to face downward price pressures in a slumping market as overvalued markets are, by definition, most likely to experience a correction. A final factor was vacancy rates. It’s not a complicated or glamorous measurement, but it’s difficult to find a better indicator of supply and demand. Orlando’s staggering 5.2% vacancy rate represents a significant risk factor for the city. Strong local economic indicators like job growth and immigration significantly mitigate that risk, but it is in a vulnerable position should there be an economic slowdown or a disruptive hurricane season.

Two larger cities that performed very well by this measure were Los Angeles and New York, which ranked fourth and eighth for lowest vacancy rate. While both cities had high ARM shares and high P/Es, their low vacancy rates bode well for those markets.

SOUTH BEACH ANNIE CRASHES ROSWELL ANNIVERSARY

CULTURE - NATIONAL

PROBING ROSWELL: 60 YEARS STRONG
Special Report by South Beach Annie
The Palmetto Patriot

ROSWELL (NM) - Modern Americans have hyped the Roswell UFO crash into the most important mythological event of the 20th century. We send South Beach Annie, our expert on the Strange-And-Unusual and no stranger to alien probulation, to cover the 60th anniversary of this event to question and assess the Roswell Crash Mythology!

Following up on her lead about a secret, secondary crash site outside Roswell about which the public was not informed. South Beach Annie to investigates locally to confirm that the downed vehicle and its occupants crashed on a ranch near Corona. These remnants were allegedly transported to a hangar in Roswell for preliminary analysis by the military.

South Beach Annie receives a cool reception from the local fauna, unable to secure an interview about the alleged crash, and discovers two local subtexts. One, that the government instilled too much fear of retribution upon the good folks of Roswell to keep their mouths shut; and two, that the locals find the tourist attraction, which drives much of Roswell’s economy, laughable and absurd as tourists routinely defame themselves with camp, kitsch and mediocrity.

Today, the Roswell UFO Crash of 1947 is perhaps the foremost legend in modern American mythology. We at the Palmetto Patriot believe that a well-executed military and govermental cover-up is certainly plausible. There remains suggestive evidence, both for and against, that either an extraterrestrial vehicle and one living alien were recovered, or that it was a US experiment into flying saucer technology reverse-engineered from alleged Nazi technology. We believe that all of these conclusions are potentially valid.

SABAN TURNS DOLPHINS INTO CHICKEN OF THE SEA

TITLE: NICK SABAN LEAVES DOLPHINS LOSER, WEASEL
AUTHOR: DAN LE BATARD (Miami Herald)
SOURCE: http://www.miamiherald.com
BODY:

MIAMI- The punctuation on the Nick Saban Error is greasy and greedy. You know what he was as Dolphins coach? A failure. A loser. A gasbag. And one of the worst investments Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga has ever made. He was less of a success than Dave Wannstedt and more of a traitor than Ricky Williams. There has been very little in franchise history that came with more expectations and fewer results than this hypocrite who at the end avoided the hard questions one last time.

Talk like a warrior. Behave like a weasel.Maybe Saban would be better off in college. Because, in the pros the last few days, he has looked like a complete and utter amateur.

He will be remembered in these parts as a quitter and a liar. He leaves the franchise in last place, with what used to be his good name somehow far lower than that. And for this he’ll get a $25 million raise and more job security in Alabama. Makes you wonder what USC’s Pete Carroll or Ohio State’s Jim Tressel are worth, doesn’t it?

Larry Coker, a decent man, gets fired for his one championship. Saban, a duplicitous one, gets the most lucrative job in college football. Saban could have fixed his reputation today if he had that mental toughness he is always sermonizing about. We have the meandering spiel memorized by now. About ”competitive character” and ”overcoming adversity” and blah, blah, blah. You preach it, Nick. But you don’t live it. Not when it’s easier to run away and hide.

Miami, 6-10 against an easy schedule, was swept this year by younger teams in its division — the Jets and Bills. The team isn’t better than when Saban arrived, just older. What little winning Saban has done has been with players left for him by Jimmy Johnson and Dave Wannstedt. What’s the best decision Saban has made in two years? Can you name one?

So it makes sense that he would lack hope. But when his players are losing, he asks them to be proud and fight and overcome, even though what they do hurts a hell of a lot more than what he does. But now, reputation in tatters, integrity stained, he runs away from this fight — to be a dictator to kids who question less and have less power to challenge him. Of course he’d go. It’s a good deal easier. And a new crowd eager for a savior can hear his hot-air speeches about being a gladiator.

Saban made Huizenga look like a public fool with all his condescending talk of integrity recently, reprimanding reporters at every turn while his agent secretly kept taking slimy calls from Alabama in the shadows. What a raging fraud Saban sounds like today, every bit as counterfeit as Miami’s Super Bowl expectations.

Oh, a man, even one under contract, is allowed to change his mind and listen to other offers, especially those that double his salary. But what makes Saban’s behavior so unctuous recently is that he had the audacity to question the questioners with super-sized arrogance even while lying all along to his players and his boss. Huizenga has given this man everything he has wanted — given him more than any NFL owner anywhere has given any other coach. He deserves better than this. He deserves better than Saban leaving him to answer the hard questions today.

Makes you wonder, too: Huizenga went after Ricky Williams and his money with cutthroat zeal, and Williams is still paying him back. But Saban just broke a contract, too. There are no outs in Saban’s contract to go back to the minor leagues.

Remember how mad you were when Williams retired? Well, he wasn’t cheating on you. He wasn’t grabbing for more money. His body hurt from a beating, and he wanted to rest. What Saban has done is a more traitorous act — the most traitorous act in the history of the franchise. He’s leaving simply because he couldn’t handle a hard job on the sidelines of a game in which he asks others to be violent. He gave up, in other words. And filing it under ”family” now as a diluter, in search of understanding, rings hollow because you can’t believe anything the man says about this situation. You think he’d be leaving if he were 3-13?

Saban, infomercial sermonizer, talked a lot about loyalty and integrity and toughness. But, in the end, these were not his guides. They were only the kinds of things he demanded of others.