SATIRE – CULTURE
WE COME IN PEACE: BUT DAVID BOWIE IS STILL AFRAID OF AMERICANS
by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot
It can’t possibly be true what they say about us, could it? Could we really be those super-wasteful consumers of legend? We’re not the spoiled offspring of robber baron tycoons are we? How can we possibly be a rotten bunch of Christian fundamentalists? How did “We the People of the United States of America” really become so hated?
Let us at once approach this name and concept: America. Love it, hate it. Breathe it, in and out. Inhale its smooth, full-bodied flavor, its Marlboro man-musk. Smell its fresh shot of social frappuccino. Feel the super size of it flow through you.
We’re a people who conveniently love freedom and freely love convenience, so who is responsible for all those wicked, wicked lies? Will the real slim-shadies please stand up?
If this sounds like drama or farce, think of the History Channel’s profit margins down the road. This is not fantasy nor science-fiction, no tale of genetically-engineered white people from the future. America was built on Indian wars, witch trials, McCarthy hearings, civil rights, lynch mobs, land fills, ethnic cleansing, regime changes, couch potatoes, TV dinners, Marilyn Manson and Charlie’s Angels, all the comforts of home. Does the American ego have a few public relations problems? You betcha. But truth is stranger than fiction, and between Hollywood, Manhattan and Washington, just how does one tell them apart?
Spin is not just a great physics concept, it’s the clockwork engine of American culture made up of MBAs in advertising, marketing, mass media, and PR. So if our culture offends you, there is plenty more where that came from. But don’t crucify us yet! With a thousand channels and nothing on, who needs their own culture at all?
For here in our tricky little empire, the ultimate form of democracy has finally evolved: channel surfing.
Think about it. What’s more watchable, congressional hearings on C-Span, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Whose congeniality will win over the audience, Darth Cheney, or Daisy Duke? The simplest explanation for it is that we’re bored …of the boring!
And you will be too, if not already. You will want the premium package: ESPN, Showtime, Spice Channel, QVC, Survivor: Nebraska, Antiques Roadshow: Baghdad…. Yes, you will hunger for free cable, Desperate Housewives will fill your every thought, and soon your children will demand more Spongebob underwear and Pokémon cards. So buy the merchandise while we’re willing to sell it to you.
We have enough culture. American Beauty, American Psycho, American Idol, American Graffiti, American History X, American Gigolo, American Pie, American Werewolf in London… We lay the mystery out for all to rent, miles of glistening video stores, so why not make it a Blockbuster night for your family and hostages?
There’s more than enough for everyone. And with all these programming choices, who can decry American sloth? Between the NFL, the NBA, and the NRA, there are plenty of American athletes. We get to host the Olympics every twelve years or so. And we love our football… the painted fat guys, the indigestion, the beer puke, the cheerleaders. The rest of you couldn’t possibly know. You think of an entirely different sport. Frankly, we don’t care for that foreign crap. Rugby is almost good, and almost American, just like the English language. We don’t mind looking a little Anglo-Saxon around here. And why not? It preserves our quaint colonial mythology. The British Empire is a favored American bedtime classic, like Greece to our Rome.
According to the American Dream, once upon a time, all Americans were made in the UK. But, modern science tells us that even before the Minnesota Vikings, Americans were imported from Siberia across a land bridge. But Native American was deemed unsuitable for its lack of legal jargon, and American English was chosen instead. Supposedly the first real Americans were cloned in an Amsterdam late-night laboratory using DNA from British cultists and domesticated wasps. Set loose in North America, these prototypes farmed hemp, spread syphilis, stole lands and many festive recipes for turkey, cornbread and apple pie from the locals. Many of the recipes are still published today in the English language.
Yet what’s the story for the majority? What is this wacky American Dream? That simple cash cow is all we ever had to offer, and it keeps our population growing, yes. But where are our bedtime stories about all the nice African people who came to join the party? Do all the Cherokees, Dakotas and Aztecs come from General Motors?
Allegedly, our mythical forefathers were products of the Enlightenment, like Newton and Descartes. They were about freedom, equality, being rational and progressive. For god and gold, they progressed and rationed from sea to shining sea, manifesting destiny all over the locals.
Oh, and we love god in America. Religion is big business after all. We’re really convinced you need some. So we’re sending you Baptist Missionaries, Cable Televangelists, Mormons, Hare Krishnas, anything for a buck. Why even base religious holidays on religions when we’ve got Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too? We Americans flock to the mall for psychedelic eggs, polar elves and flying reindeer. We the people will not rest until we get what we want. The face of the American god is yet unclear, because the million-dollar bill has not been printed.
We the People may be Jewish, Moslem, Buddhist, Hindu, Catholic or Scientologist, but we all still want our bling bling. Yes, whether our folks were Chinese, Dutch, Mexican, Irish, German, Puerto Rican, Indian, Russian, Italian, Vietnamese, Jamaican, Swede or French, we all breathe the same air. We all beat one another senseless over parking spaces and the last Tickle-Me-Elmo. We all stand as equals in those dreadful lines at Disney World. We all put our item on the dollar value menu.
The scheme goes like this: you can have anything you want, as long as you can afford it. Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness… your rights to some are guaranteed. You can become as promiscuous or as obese or as rich as you like. That’s the American dream, to lay naked in a pool of cash and ice cream, to taste the forbidden fruit… So we advertise some lovely-sounding ideas, democracy, capitalism, 24-hour Wal-Marts, AOL startup discs, liberty and justice for all.
Our way of life is obviously superior. Someone overseas keeps buying syndication rights to The Simpsons and Dawson’s Creek. So if other countries are so much better, how come people keep coming here?
But hold it right there. Now we can skip immigration entirely! We can level and rebuild your country and government for you! So now you can have your very own drive-thru liquor stores, voting booths, casino gambling and Internet porn, all at reasonable rates. We’re fairly certain you will forget about the fatwa after you’ve had a Slurpee and a Tylenol PM.
We the Sheeple of the United States of America should come to you. In fact, we’re already there. You say you want Americans out of your countries, but what would you honestly do without McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, or Kentucky Fried Chicken employing and feeding your people? We’d like to buy the world a Coke, but you’ve beaten us to it.
Apparently, the world can’t get enough of us. So Europe can turn its nose up, China can keep its communism and the Middle East can blow up whatever it likes, it won’t stop a thing. We’re just going to keep on being a strange and meaningless people, pumping out great marketing on ten thousand channels in a borrowed language.
By no means would it have worked out if the Soviets had won, or if the Germans had won, or if the Spanish had won. If America were not the last of the global superpowers, the remote control unit may have never been invented. Viva democracy!
We the people of the United States exist, and unfortunately for you, there is no clear way to distinguish us from Canadians.
Drive through, thank you, and come again.
