MIAMI: SEE IT LIKE A FOREIGNER

EDITORIALS – POLITICS

MIAMI’S MELANGE MORTIFIES MONOLINGUALS
Republican Attacks on the Magic City Welcomed!
by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot

I have to agree with Mr. Tancredo’s recent attack on Miami. This city DOES look more and more like the third world every day, just take a ride on the Palmetto Expressway to see that for youselves. However, I am thrilled to be a native and resident, and fourth generation at that!

Rarely do I say that Miami is America. Frequently, I say Fort Lauderdale is the southernmost city of the continental USA. Miami is a cultural isolate, if not a political one, and highly independent of North American culture… and the Florida Keys are better known as the Conch Republic, so thus Homestead is an American enclave within our border. Miami is a VERY American city, it’s just that we frequently forget that America stretches from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego!

Foreigners love Miami, but why? Because Miami differs from the USA, a country which I consider mostly embarrasing. Why? Segregation, inbred WASPs, Red States, rampant monolingualism… anyway, when I travel abroad, I never say I’m American. I ALWAYS say that I’m from Miami, which opens all kinds of doors to me rather than if I were from, say, Colorado, or even California.

We forget that most foreigners view the USA as an illiterate mass of neanderthals, but not Miamians. I am glad to speak fluent Spanish and practice it every day at random. Most people in the US learn only English and stay limited their whole lives.

When people on the streets of Miami hear me speak fluent Spanish, they usually assume I’m descended from escaped Nazis in Argentina or Chile. Yes, I do get sick of hearing, “pero eres un gringo! Como hablas tan bueno?” Well, truth is I’ve taken more Spanish classes than most native Spanish speakers, but it’s ‘cuz I’m open-minded and I had the opportunity to learn instead of sitting on my fat ass learning no foreign language like many Miamians do, WASP, black and Hispanic alike!

Prejudice. Wrote a blog about it. Like to hear it? Hear it goes: I love to f*** with people, especially the orgullosos who refuse to speak English when I’m buying a small item at the goddam 7-11. If I’m in a wry mood, I’ll respond to them at first in Spanish, but then switch over to German. When they look exceptionally baffled at me, I go back to Spanish saying, “Si puede hablar el idioma de su gente, porque no puedo hablar el idioma de la mia tambien??” It’s only fair, equality for everyone, no?

And to be fair, this city must scare the bejeezus out of crackers like Rep. Tancredo (R-CO), whose own ancestors would have loved Miami for the ability to assimilate at their own pace. It seems that the Gentleman from Colorado has not only forgotten that we stole all of this land from the original natives, but that his own ancestors once gatecrashed our immigration department themselves! After all, Florida was owned by Spain for some 400 years, and France, and England. Viva democracy!

[L. Grant Pooka was born in Coconut Grove to a WASP family originally from Hialeah and Carol City. He is currently off medication.]