ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Wordless Wednesday

[Translation: Obama is the Black Fidel Castro]

[Extra Thank Yous to Sunshine State of Mind for this]

ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Ballot Issues vol.1

Besides the obvious choice for the new Ruler of the Known Universe, there are quite a few issues on the ballot if you live in Florida, especially if you live in that miasma of mysterious Bermuda-Triangle-energy known as Miami-Dade County.

Knowing on the spot, in your polling booth, exactly what the issue is and who it affects can be daunting to say the least. You could let the mass media inform your opinion, and there’s Google and Wikipedia of course, but the Palmetto Patriot has been spelunking around the internet while we examine our absentee ballots.

We’ve found the following web resources of extreme value in synergy with the above named ones:

Project Vote Smart could permanently alter the way you vote. This website tabulates all the issues and candidates on the ballot by your ZIP code. There is a considerably valuable option here which looks at incumbents’ past voting behavior, with a zoom-in on the individual docket issue and outcome available.

We found this extremely useful in digging up some dirt on Rep. Lincoln Diaz-Balart and Sen. Gwen Margolis. There is also a tab on each candidates’ nav panel for their opinions on important issues, which was very telling when we considered Diaz-Balart’s rival for the upcoming Congressional seat, Mr. Raul L. Martinez. Martinez is a multi-term former Mayor of the eyesore/headache known as Hialeah, Florida, thank you Wikipedia. In the early 90s, Martinez was indicted multiple times on many charges of racketeering, extortion, and conspiracy, and has refused to speak to PVS regarding his stances on important issues in this election. Nice one, Raul, thanks for all that. Diaz-Balart represents older, Cuban exile and staunch Catholic interests, as you can see by his voting record HERE and HERE. He also voted against the recent federal bailout, which delivered even more of our financial fate into the hands of the Federal Reserve and ultimately, the World Bank Group. So even though we voted against Diaz Balart last time around in favor of Libertarian Frank J. Martinez, we’ll give hm some credit. So as you can see, in the 21st Congressional District it’s a clear battle between minor evils: lawful/smarmy and the chaotic/criminal.

As we mentioned, Sen. Gwen Margolis has popped her antediluvian head up on a different spot this ballot, since she has decided to resign from the Florida State Senate. This time, she is pursuing the post of Miami-Dade County Property Appraiser. The Senator’s voting record is clearly posted on PVS, but little was known in cyberspace about the candidates for this new Miami post. So we’d like to thank Eye on Miami, who’d elaborated on the candidates’ campaign practices in the illuminating “Miami-Dade Property Appraiser Race: Who Gives a S***?”. Well, we give a big ole dookie, considering the hurricanes and insurance and real estate busts in the last few years. The Palmetto Patriot gives a shout out and a thank you to Eye on Miami for revealing both Margolis’ heavy-handed gang-busters “I want it” approach to campaign funding, and that of her lead competitor, Jim Shedd, an ex-law-enforcer whose contributions primarily come from one gracious benefactor, who’s caught like a dear in headlights by the Margolis machine. Resistance is futile.

These two issues on the ballot are going to have a direct impact on your congressional voice and your property taxes, Miami-Dade County. We suggest you draw your own conclusions, but vote, baby, vote!

L. Grant Pooka
Editor-in-Chief

ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Joke of the Day!

Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and Sarah Palin?

A: Lipstick! (D’uh!)

ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Tip of the Day!

EVERYONE RE-REGISTER TO VOTE!
Change your political party to “Republican” and then vote for Obama!

America Needs You!

THE ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN

Good Morning Florida, and welcome to the Electoral Kindergarten!

As many of you know, current laws in the United States prevent your opinion from not incriminating you, and such concepts as free speech, free thought, and free consensual action are all on the shadow government’s No-No list. We can immediately validate this by thinking of all our vulnerable women and children who need protecting from all the pedophiles, same-sex couples, non-Protestants, children without special needs, fashion terrorists, immigrants and other such dangers swishing about the cultural landscape at this very moment. Thankfully we’re insulated from thought crime on these two fronts!

At this time, some of you may have heard of something called “polls”, which are now open for “voters”. You may wonder what that means. Well first, voting is the process where many important choices for the American people are informed by the mass media, which then takes their treasured personal ideals and jumbles them all up with patriotic lies like a tossed salad. Citizens then come on down to these polls, where they are blindfolded and spun around in circles until dizzy, handed a stick, and asked to poke a piece of paper which identifies them as ‘one of us’ or ‘one of them’ as our democracy permits. Citizens must be careful while dizzily poking this paper, or ballot, so as to pierce it completely and not leave any hanging chads, which have caused some comical foibles in the past!

After the polls close, your ballot is carefully analyzed against your permanent government file, so that civil servants may then point, laugh and rat you out to their friends and neighbors in law enforcement and positions of power so that you may be inconvenienced in the future based on personal differences of opinion. Your ballot is then placed in a box, and then, if in Miami-Dade County, dumped into a river, and in Broward County, driven on the highways for hours and hours until well after the polls close so that your vote won’t be counted. A CIA-trained squad of genetically enhanced palmetto bugs forges ballots in other counties in Florida, which use their dung to simulate your power of choice. Granted this system is not as sophisticated as voting in other states, and hopefully in the future it will be upgraded to the new system of pre-printed simulations of your vote which are determined by a sign-language gorilla in a diaper who feeds your astrological chart into a Commodore64.

Let’s face it, our country embodies a spirit of democracy and free choice that broadcasts a distinctive smell of freedom around the globe. Just look at all the attention we receive!

That’s why we here at the Palmetto Patriot have decided to commission “The Electoral Kindergarten,” an ongoing series leading up to the big day, to inform voters how to think and vote just like the Media does! In the next days leading up to the general election, we will be posting fun tips and trivial information regarding the upcoming vote for this very purpose.

Stay tuned for more coconutty patriotism!
Cuida que el coco viene!!

L. Grant Pooka
Editor-in-Chief