THE ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN

Good Morning Florida, and welcome to the Electoral Kindergarten!

As many of you know, current laws in the United States prevent your opinion from not incriminating you, and such concepts as free speech, free thought, and free consensual action are all on the shadow government’s No-No list. We can immediately validate this by thinking of all our vulnerable women and children who need protecting from all the pedophiles, same-sex couples, non-Protestants, children without special needs, fashion terrorists, immigrants and other such dangers swishing about the cultural landscape at this very moment. Thankfully we’re insulated from thought crime on these two fronts!

At this time, some of you may have heard of something called “polls”, which are now open for “voters”. You may wonder what that means. Well first, voting is the process where many important choices for the American people are informed by the mass media, which then takes their treasured personal ideals and jumbles them all up with patriotic lies like a tossed salad. Citizens then come on down to these polls, where they are blindfolded and spun around in circles until dizzy, handed a stick, and asked to poke a piece of paper which identifies them as ‘one of us’ or ‘one of them’ as our democracy permits. Citizens must be careful while dizzily poking this paper, or ballot, so as to pierce it completely and not leave any hanging chads, which have caused some comical foibles in the past!

After the polls close, your ballot is carefully analyzed against your permanent government file, so that civil servants may then point, laugh and rat you out to their friends and neighbors in law enforcement and positions of power so that you may be inconvenienced in the future based on personal differences of opinion. Your ballot is then placed in a box, and then, if in Miami-Dade County, dumped into a river, and in Broward County, driven on the highways for hours and hours until well after the polls close so that your vote won’t be counted. A CIA-trained squad of genetically enhanced palmetto bugs forges ballots in other counties in Florida, which use their dung to simulate your power of choice. Granted this system is not as sophisticated as voting in other states, and hopefully in the future it will be upgraded to the new system of pre-printed simulations of your vote which are determined by a sign-language gorilla in a diaper who feeds your astrological chart into a Commodore64.

Let’s face it, our country embodies a spirit of democracy and free choice that broadcasts a distinctive smell of freedom around the globe. Just look at all the attention we receive!

That’s why we here at the Palmetto Patriot have decided to commission “The Electoral Kindergarten,” an ongoing series leading up to the big day, to inform voters how to think and vote just like the Media does! In the next days leading up to the general election, we will be posting fun tips and trivial information regarding the upcoming vote for this very purpose.

Stay tuned for more coconutty patriotism!
Cuida que el coco viene!!

L. Grant Pooka
Editor-in-Chief