SKERMANY: Silencio Sunday

[vielen Dank zum Hrn. Krienke]

ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Ballot Issues vol.2

The press has been aflutter about California’s controversial Amendment 8, better known as their Same-Sex Marriage Ban. The outrage on both sides has seen the heaviest of publicity. At first, individual municipalities in Cali allowed same-sex unions at the local level, and then a legislative ban was put into place for the State. Earlier this year, the California Supreme Court overturned this ban, resulting in the issue being referred to public referendum, and some highly-public weddings, including the unfair union of smokin’-hot Portia deRossi to dog-maul Ellen deGeneres; but it has also overshadowed the very same plight in two others states, like Arizona’s Proposition 102.

Who

And what about Florida? Florida’s ballot also sees a similar measure on the ballot. Known as Amendment 2, the measure seeks to re-write Florida’s constitution and define marriage exclusively as the union of a man with a woman. Ironic, that the state which is home to South Beach, Key West, and Fort Lauderdale, which draw in millions of gay travelers and billions of gay dollars every year, should do a sudden about face and slap one of its own heaviest contingencies in the face with nothing but raw insult.

In fact, as a Republican, it calls into question the profitability of such a system: in Florida we should be catering to such social minorities. Gay people are well known for their aesthetic superiority and their ability to perform nearly any task in the job market with aplomb. Without the economic burden of raising children, gays boast the highest disposable income of any particular social segment. However, thanks to rampant social conservatism which affects Florida like a plague, Floridian women still earn less than men; Hispanic, African-American, and Caucasian ethnic groups are still neck-cutting antagonists toward with one another, and Floridian culture stays zip-locked in the shopping malls with a Miami Vice mentality.

Obviously, the freedom to marry the gender of your choice is is going to distress the religious Right the most. But we at the Palmetto Patriot would like to remind America that the whole damned country was founded on the principle of separation of church and state. Not only are we guaranteed freedom to practice whatever religion we choose, but at the same time we ought to be guaranteed our freedom from other people’s religions! What a relief this would be from all the Jerry Fallwells and the Oral Robertses out there who make Evangelical Christianity seem more tyrannical and insane than Shia Islam. What a joy it would be to be free of the hypocrisy of Catholic priests who avow celibacy for life, only to later be caught in child abuse and pornography. America is replete with its own fundamentalist extremists, spiritual terrorism is on the rise. Yes, such extreme conservatism amounts to cultural terrorism.

It is indeed wonderous to recall the days shortly after 9/11 when the USA had a shot at garnering sympathy and support from the whole world. It was magical how nearly every elected official homogenized the American population into one contiguous mostly-White, totally Protestant mass. Such homogenization was essential pretext for the later legislative and military abominations that befell us at home and the world at large, and yet how essential false and fallacious all of it was. It amounted to nothing short of whipping up religious fervor into a froth of outrage against anything that wasn’t WASPy, in a ghastly mirror of Nazi Germany in the 1930s. Muslims are the new Jews. And they’re not Muslims, they’re terrorists. Funny, isn’t it, that America should come so close to the nation-state it changed its own foreign policy to defeat?

To bring us back on point, religious sentiment has no place in politics. This is a most Republican point of view, if you paid attention to the last two centuries, and anyone who says or does the opposite is a hypocrit.

You may not approve of same-sex marriages. You may not like homosexuals, and you may not want any of them near your neighborhood, and we’re fairly certain the feeling is mutual. But think for a moment about all those Protestants, Lutherans, Quakers, Calvinists, Pilgrims, and Amish who were laughed out of Europe for their religious beliefs. In certain terms, it is absolutely unfair for us to curtail the rights and freedoms of others, as detailed in and guaranteed by the charter documents of this country, because of collective religious sentiment… and we do emphasize the word sentiment.

On the other hand, whereas marriage rights, laws, and clauses form a unique cultural bridge between church and state, the social institution of marriage can be seen as a tax shelter for those who would choose to breed, and in many cases, indiscriminantly so. Gay couples could single-handedly re-stimulate the economy if they had more of a tax-incentive to join the mainstream. After all, it’s not just procreation that the governement is after, it’s the household: small business, entrepreneurism, even government itself could not exist without the household, and why should we forbid certain groups from forming households? We do not dissolve the marriages of infertile couples because they cannot reproduce. There’s a strong chance that gay couples will have children, one way or another, and there is even scientific evidence that the children of gay couples grow up psychologically better-balanced that the norm.

It has been long-rumoured that Florida’s current Governor, Charlie Crist, is himself gay, and yet he was overwhelmingly elected to office. Should we deny the Governor his God-given right to marry any long-time pool boy or personal assistant he sees fit? Absolutely not.

In the Closet

To summarize, voting for Amendment 2 for religious reasons is tantamount to the Neanderthal practice of clubbing a potential mate on the head and raping him/her. In an economic viewpoint, voting against Amendment 2 is a strong and sound economic statement: more tax breaks for higher disposable income families mean more money pouring through the marketplace and a stronger economy. Plus, it helps to bring Floridian culture out of the dark ages it’s experienced since Fidel took over and Don Johnson re-invented the 3-day stubble look.

So, whereas The Palmetto Patriot takes no official stance on any religious issue, we must sharply say a fervent “HELL NO” to Florida’s Amendment 2 on economic and ethical grounds. In today’s impending doom of an economy, we cannot afford to alienate any social group, and must rise to the occassion. We strongly urge you, our reader to consider both sides of this equation and do the right thing.

L. Grant dePook
Editor-in-Chief

ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Wordless Wednesday

[Translation: Obama is the Black Fidel Castro]

[Extra Thank Yous to Sunshine State of Mind for this]

SOUTH BEACH ANNIE CRASHES ROSWELL ANNIVERSARY

CULTURE – NATIONAL

PROBING ROSWELL: 60 YEARS STRONG
Special Report by South Beach Annie
The Palmetto Patriot

ROSWELL (NM) – Modern Americans have hyped the Roswell UFO crash into the most important mythological event of the 20th century. We send South Beach Annie, our expert on the Strange-And-Unusual and no stranger to alien probulation, to cover the 60th anniversary of this event to question and assess the Roswell Crash Mythology!

Following up on her lead about a secret, secondary crash site outside Roswell about which the public was not informed. South Beach Annie to investigates locally to confirm that the downed vehicle and its occupants crashed on a ranch near Corona. These remnants were allegedly transported to a hangar in Roswell for preliminary analysis by the military.

South Beach Annie receives a cool reception from the local fauna, unable to secure an interview about the alleged crash, and discovers two local subtexts. One, that the government instilled too much fear of retribution upon the good folks of Roswell to keep their mouths shut; and two, that the locals find the tourist attraction, which drives much of Roswell’s economy, laughable and absurd as tourists routinely defame themselves with camp, kitsch and mediocrity.

Today, the Roswell UFO Crash of 1947 is perhaps the foremost legend in modern American mythology. We at the Palmetto Patriot believe that a well-executed military and govermental cover-up is certainly plausible. There remains suggestive evidence, both for and against, that either an extraterrestrial vehicle and one living alien were recovered, or that it was a US experiment into flying saucer technology reverse-engineered from alleged Nazi technology. We believe that all of these conclusions are potentially valid.

A VERY SKURRY CHRISTMAS

SKERMANY: Teaching Germans about Christmas in the ‘Hood
by Shelbric Fuller, Foreign Correspondent
The Palmetto Patriot

As previously concluded in our last article, Germany is scary. Very scurry. However, as I inform my newfound countrymen as to life in America, it seems abundantly clear that they have no clue whatsoever.There is also no explanation for inner city American culture, and Germans are not happy when perplexed.

There is a great cry of shock and outrage as to why the American people go out and spend hundreds of dollars on Christmas decorations while completely ignoring devastated Hurricane Katrina victims. America spends billions on other things too: breaking treaties, building WMAs and oil pipelines; the Christmas giving spirit really does live on and on.

Anyway, I’ve reached deep into my trousers to whip out this slice of life, a visualization if you will, an experiment in linguistics, for the benefit of readers in any country to experience a proletarian oeuvre of ghetto living. So sit back in your chair, let the sounds of jingle bells and drive-by reindeer gunfire fill your mind and enjoy:

“DA NIGH’ FO’ CRIMMA’”
As Told by Rev. Wallace Kumquat to Shelbric Fuller

INTERIOR – CHRISTMAS – DILAPIDATED GHETTO HOUSE – NIGHT
We see the back of an old, torn up, ugly recliner facing a warm lit fire. The fireplace mantle is decorated with Christmas stockings and mistletoe, with a wreath hanging above. Next to the recliner is a small side table with a plate of brownies, an ashtray, and a forty of the Bull. Camera pulls around to the front of the recliner to reveal a fat, sloppy, joint-smoking, black Santa Clause with his belly hanging out of the bottom of his suit top. As soon as he sees the camera is watching him he puts out the Joint, exhales his last hit, trying to waive the smoke away with his hand, straightens up a bit, and clears his throat.

SANTA CLAUSE

Nah yall best shut up n lisen.

Santa picks up a carol book, opens it to the first page and starts reading out loud.

SANTA CLAUSE

Wuz de night befo Cremma an all ovah da hood,
Er body wuz sleepin, dey wuz sleepin good.
We hung up r stockin and hope like da heck
Dat ole Sandy Claw gona bring da welfare check.

All de family wuz lay in dey beds
While Funderberd wine dance in dey heads.
I passed out on de flo, right next to Ma,
When I hear such a fuss I tink it wuz de law!

I looked frew da bars dat covered ma doe,
Spectin da sheriff wif a warrant to show,
And what I seen den made me say “Look at DAT”
Dey wuz a huge wallamelon pulled by sum rats!

All ober de worl, Sandy Claw be white,
But he look like us niggaz come dis Cremma night!
Fastah dan a poleeze car de homeboy he came
He hollah at dem wharf rats, he call dem by name:

“On Leroy, On Roosevelt, Jonterious Lee,
On Willy, On Ray-Ray and Malcolm” – Dey’s summnin to see!
He landed dat melon out dere in da screet.
I knew fo sho den wuz de damdest I seent.

He ain’t come down no chimley
He picked de lock on ma doe
An I says to myself “Sheeit!
He dun dun dis befoe!”

He hat dis big bag fulla presents I spec,
Wif Air Jordans and bling to wear ’round ma neck.
But He lef no good presents, jus stoled all my shit,
Got ma drugs and ma guns and ma burgla kit!

Wif ma stuff in dat bag out da winda he flew
I wuda chased him but he dun took ma knife too!
He hop in dat melon and whooped out a switch
He were gone in one second – Dat Fat Sum a Bitch!

Next year I be hopin
A white Sandy we git
Cuz dat black Sandy Claw
He ain’t wurf a SHIT!
(Pause)

Aight, de end! Now git da hell outta ma house!

FADE OUT

[Ed. Note: 'Da Nigh Foe Cremma' was originally published in the pilot episode of "Don't Go There!" written and developed for television by DeGeorge, Fuller and Stoetzer, ©1999, 2006. Used by permission. Additional work on this article was provided by L. Grant Pooka]

MIAMI: SEE IT LIKE A FOREIGNER

EDITORIALS – POLITICS

MIAMI’S MELANGE MORTIFIES MONOLINGUALS
Republican Attacks on the Magic City Welcomed!
by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot

I have to agree with Mr. Tancredo’s recent attack on Miami. This city DOES look more and more like the third world every day, just take a ride on the Palmetto Expressway to see that for youselves. However, I am thrilled to be a native and resident, and fourth generation at that!

Rarely do I say that Miami is America. Frequently, I say Fort Lauderdale is the southernmost city of the continental USA. Miami is a cultural isolate, if not a political one, and highly independent of North American culture… and the Florida Keys are better known as the Conch Republic, so thus Homestead is an American enclave within our border. Miami is a VERY American city, it’s just that we frequently forget that America stretches from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego!

Foreigners love Miami, but why? Because Miami differs from the USA, a country which I consider mostly embarrasing. Why? Segregation, inbred WASPs, Red States, rampant monolingualism… anyway, when I travel abroad, I never say I’m American. I ALWAYS say that I’m from Miami, which opens all kinds of doors to me rather than if I were from, say, Colorado, or even California.

We forget that most foreigners view the USA as an illiterate mass of neanderthals, but not Miamians. I am glad to speak fluent Spanish and practice it every day at random. Most people in the US learn only English and stay limited their whole lives.

When people on the streets of Miami hear me speak fluent Spanish, they usually assume I’m descended from escaped Nazis in Argentina or Chile. Yes, I do get sick of hearing, “pero eres un gringo! Como hablas tan bueno?” Well, truth is I’ve taken more Spanish classes than most native Spanish speakers, but it’s ‘cuz I’m open-minded and I had the opportunity to learn instead of sitting on my fat ass learning no foreign language like many Miamians do, WASP, black and Hispanic alike!

Prejudice. Wrote a blog about it. Like to hear it? Hear it goes: I love to f*** with people, especially the orgullosos who refuse to speak English when I’m buying a small item at the goddam 7-11. If I’m in a wry mood, I’ll respond to them at first in Spanish, but then switch over to German. When they look exceptionally baffled at me, I go back to Spanish saying, “Si puede hablar el idioma de su gente, porque no puedo hablar el idioma de la mia tambien??” It’s only fair, equality for everyone, no?

And to be fair, this city must scare the bejeezus out of crackers like Rep. Tancredo (R-CO), whose own ancestors would have loved Miami for the ability to assimilate at their own pace. It seems that the Gentleman from Colorado has not only forgotten that we stole all of this land from the original natives, but that his own ancestors once gatecrashed our immigration department themselves! After all, Florida was owned by Spain for some 400 years, and France, and England. Viva democracy!

[L. Grant Pooka was born in Coconut Grove to a WASP family originally from Hialeah and Carol City. He is currently off medication.]