Wordless Wednesday

Thanks to the Lady Person, aka “El Bollo Loco” for this one!

ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Joke of the Day!

Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and Sarah Palin?

A: Lipstick! (D’uh!)

THE ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN

Good Morning Florida, and welcome to the Electoral Kindergarten!

As many of you know, current laws in the United States prevent your opinion from not incriminating you, and such concepts as free speech, free thought, and free consensual action are all on the shadow government’s No-No list. We can immediately validate this by thinking of all our vulnerable women and children who need protecting from all the pedophiles, same-sex couples, non-Protestants, children without special needs, fashion terrorists, immigrants and other such dangers swishing about the cultural landscape at this very moment. Thankfully we’re insulated from thought crime on these two fronts!

At this time, some of you may have heard of something called “polls”, which are now open for “voters”. You may wonder what that means. Well first, voting is the process where many important choices for the American people are informed by the mass media, which then takes their treasured personal ideals and jumbles them all up with patriotic lies like a tossed salad. Citizens then come on down to these polls, where they are blindfolded and spun around in circles until dizzy, handed a stick, and asked to poke a piece of paper which identifies them as ‘one of us’ or ‘one of them’ as our democracy permits. Citizens must be careful while dizzily poking this paper, or ballot, so as to pierce it completely and not leave any hanging chads, which have caused some comical foibles in the past!

After the polls close, your ballot is carefully analyzed against your permanent government file, so that civil servants may then point, laugh and rat you out to their friends and neighbors in law enforcement and positions of power so that you may be inconvenienced in the future based on personal differences of opinion. Your ballot is then placed in a box, and then, if in Miami-Dade County, dumped into a river, and in Broward County, driven on the highways for hours and hours until well after the polls close so that your vote won’t be counted. A CIA-trained squad of genetically enhanced palmetto bugs forges ballots in other counties in Florida, which use their dung to simulate your power of choice. Granted this system is not as sophisticated as voting in other states, and hopefully in the future it will be upgraded to the new system of pre-printed simulations of your vote which are determined by a sign-language gorilla in a diaper who feeds your astrological chart into a Commodore64.

Let’s face it, our country embodies a spirit of democracy and free choice that broadcasts a distinctive smell of freedom around the globe. Just look at all the attention we receive!

That’s why we here at the Palmetto Patriot have decided to commission “The Electoral Kindergarten,” an ongoing series leading up to the big day, to inform voters how to think and vote just like the Media does! In the next days leading up to the general election, we will be posting fun tips and trivial information regarding the upcoming vote for this very purpose.

Stay tuned for more coconutty patriotism!
Cuida que el coco viene!!

L. Grant Pooka
Editor-in-Chief

RED vs BLUE: The Short Version

SATIRE

RED VS BLUE: A FAMILY FEUD
by Raul Padron
Senior Correspondent, The Palmetto Patriot

“Give me a goddamn break!” groaned the Democrat “Our jobs are going down faster then Paris Hilton on a coke mirror and your dumbass cowboy cant even count all the money hes making for his friends in the Cabinet much less try to help the average American person get a good footing after he pillages our treasury for his buddies in texas!”

The Republican responds “I think his tax breaks are going to help me on my taxes.”

“His tax breaks! Hey look! Heres a fuckin dollar, meanwhile Im going to rob your investment in social security for the next 30 yearsbut by all means enjoy your super-sized value meal this week, youll be eatin rammen noodles next year!” the angry retort leaves a small line of spittle to escape a overworked mouth on the Democrat.

The Republican thinks for a minute, taken aback by the fire in the Democrat; “maybe we can just wait a few months and see if it works out okay?”

“Works out okay? What are you blind? Are you deaf? How many times you gotta call Malaysia for Windows tech support or see that everything we wear, ride in and paint our freaking house with is now made in a country we practically give life support with in foreign aid anyway!”

“What the hell happened with government helping anyone giving a goddamn about American-made on the label? Or do you care that we have to work at and buy from Walmart for the rest of our family!” the Democrats sputtered question pushed into the air between them.

The republican again furrowed his brow in thought and slowly brought more words into the conversation turned debate “Maybe people should just stop buying from there and its not really governments fault where people choose to work or what they buy? Right?.”

“Well, maybe if gigantic incentives werent wrapped in American tax-breaks to these American based companies to move their operations overseas!” The democrat was panting from the effort to restrain himself.

“Listen, dave, hows mom?” Ask the republican.

“Good, excercising with the seniors group…hoping we dont kill each other before she gets back from the jog.” replies the democrat smiling.

“Okay, no more fighting then since it makes her upset…we’ll fight tonight over drinks.” The republican asks almost sheepishly “Fine, and since I was born first and am Older Brother…ill let you pay.” Dave smirks out.

“Fine, Fine. Says the man that looks nearly the same as Dave Since my party supports the poor too…” Dave laughs out loud and hugs his brother in welcome to the house they grew up in together.

AMERICAN CULTURE 101

SATIRE – CULTURE

WE COME IN PEACE: BUT DAVID BOWIE IS STILL AFRAID OF AMERICANS
by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot

It can’t possibly be true what they say about us, could it? Could we really be those super-wasteful consumers of legend? We’re not the spoiled offspring of robber baron tycoons are we? How can we possibly be a rotten bunch of Christian fundamentalists? How did “We the People of the United States of America” really become so hated?

Let us at once approach this name and concept: America. Love it, hate it. Breathe it, in and out. Inhale its smooth, full-bodied flavor, its Marlboro man-musk. Smell its fresh shot of social frappuccino. Feel the super size of it flow through you.

We’re a people who conveniently love freedom and freely love convenience, so who is responsible for all those wicked, wicked lies? Will the real slim-shadies please stand up?

If this sounds like drama or farce, think of the History Channel’s profit margins down the road. This is not fantasy nor science-fiction, no tale of genetically-engineered white people from the future. America was built on Indian wars, witch trials, McCarthy hearings, civil rights, lynch mobs, land fills, ethnic cleansing, regime changes, couch potatoes, TV dinners, Marilyn Manson and Charlie’s Angels, all the comforts of home. Does the American ego have a few public relations problems? You betcha. But truth is stranger than fiction, and between Hollywood, Manhattan and Washington, just how does one tell them apart?

Spin is not just a great physics concept, it’s the clockwork engine of American culture made up of MBAs in advertising, marketing, mass media, and PR. So if our culture offends you, there is plenty more where that came from. But don’t crucify us yet! With a thousand channels and nothing on, who needs their own culture at all?

For here in our tricky little empire, the ultimate form of democracy has finally evolved: channel surfing.

Think about it. What’s more watchable, congressional hearings on C-Span, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Whose congeniality will win over the audience, Darth Cheney, or Daisy Duke? The simplest explanation for it is that we’re bored …of the boring!

And you will be too, if not already. You will want the premium package: ESPN, Showtime, Spice Channel, QVC, Survivor: Nebraska, Antiques Roadshow: Baghdad…. Yes, you will hunger for free cable, Desperate Housewives will fill your every thought, and soon your children will demand more Spongebob underwear and Pokémon cards. So buy the merchandise while we’re willing to sell it to you.

We have enough culture. American Beauty, American Psycho, American Idol, American Graffiti, American History X, American Gigolo, American Pie, American Werewolf in London… We lay the mystery out for all to rent, miles of glistening video stores, so why not make it a Blockbuster night for your family and hostages?

There’s more than enough for everyone. And with all these programming choices, who can decry American sloth? Between the NFL, the NBA, and the NRA, there are plenty of American athletes. We get to host the Olympics every twelve years or so. And we love our football… the painted fat guys, the indigestion, the beer puke, the cheerleaders. The rest of you couldn’t possibly know. You think of an entirely different sport. Frankly, we don’t care for that foreign crap. Rugby is almost good, and almost American, just like the English language. We don’t mind looking a little Anglo-Saxon around here. And why not? It preserves our quaint colonial mythology. The British Empire is a favored American bedtime classic, like Greece to our Rome.

According to the American Dream, once upon a time, all Americans were made in the UK. But, modern science tells us that even before the Minnesota Vikings, Americans were imported from Siberia across a land bridge. But Native American was deemed unsuitable for its lack of legal jargon, and American English was chosen instead. Supposedly the first real Americans were cloned in an Amsterdam late-night laboratory using DNA from British cultists and domesticated wasps. Set loose in North America, these prototypes farmed hemp, spread syphilis, stole lands and many festive recipes for turkey, cornbread and apple pie from the locals. Many of the recipes are still published today in the English language.

Yet what’s the story for the majority? What is this wacky American Dream? That simple cash cow is all we ever had to offer, and it keeps our population growing, yes. But where are our bedtime stories about all the nice African people who came to join the party? Do all the Cherokees, Dakotas and Aztecs come from General Motors?

Allegedly, our mythical forefathers were products of the Enlightenment, like Newton and Descartes. They were about freedom, equality, being rational and progressive. For god and gold, they progressed and rationed from sea to shining sea, manifesting destiny all over the locals.

Oh, and we love god in America. Religion is big business after all. We’re really convinced you need some. So we’re sending you Baptist Missionaries, Cable Televangelists, Mormons, Hare Krishnas, anything for a buck. Why even base religious holidays on religions when we’ve got Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too? We Americans flock to the mall for psychedelic eggs, polar elves and flying reindeer. We the people will not rest until we get what we want. The face of the American god is yet unclear, because the million-dollar bill has not been printed.

We the People may be Jewish, Moslem, Buddhist, Hindu, Catholic or Scientologist, but we all still want our bling bling. Yes, whether our folks were Chinese, Dutch, Mexican, Irish, German, Puerto Rican, Indian, Russian, Italian, Vietnamese, Jamaican, Swede or French, we all breathe the same air. We all beat one another senseless over parking spaces and the last Tickle-Me-Elmo. We all stand as equals in those dreadful lines at Disney World. We all put our item on the dollar value menu.

The scheme goes like this: you can have anything you want, as long as you can afford it. Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness… your rights to some are guaranteed. You can become as promiscuous or as obese or as rich as you like. That’s the American dream, to lay naked in a pool of cash and ice cream, to taste the forbidden fruit… So we advertise some lovely-sounding ideas, democracy, capitalism, 24-hour Wal-Marts, AOL startup discs, liberty and justice for all.

Our way of life is obviously superior. Someone overseas keeps buying syndication rights to The Simpsons and Dawson’s Creek. So if other countries are so much better, how come people keep coming here?

But hold it right there. Now we can skip immigration entirely! We can level and rebuild your country and government for you! So now you can have your very own drive-thru liquor stores, voting booths, casino gambling and Internet porn, all at reasonable rates. We’re fairly certain you will forget about the fatwa after you’ve had a Slurpee and a Tylenol PM.

We the Sheeple of the United States of America should come to you. In fact, we’re already there. You say you want Americans out of your countries, but what would you honestly do without McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, or Kentucky Fried Chicken employing and feeding your people? We’d like to buy the world a Coke, but you’ve beaten us to it.

Apparently, the world can’t get enough of us. So Europe can turn its nose up, China can keep its communism and the Middle East can blow up whatever it likes, it won’t stop a thing. We’re just going to keep on being a strange and meaningless people, pumping out great marketing on ten thousand channels in a borrowed language.

By no means would it have worked out if the Soviets had won, or if the Germans had won, or if the Spanish had won. If America were not the last of the global superpowers, the remote control unit may have never been invented. Viva democracy!

We the people of the United States exist, and unfortunately for you, there is no clear way to distinguish us from Canadians.

Drive through, thank you, and come again.