ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN: Tip of the Day!

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Change your political party to “Republican” and then vote for Obama!

America Needs You!

THE ELECTORAL KINDERGARTEN

Good Morning Florida, and welcome to the Electoral Kindergarten!

As many of you know, current laws in the United States prevent your opinion from not incriminating you, and such concepts as free speech, free thought, and free consensual action are all on the shadow government’s No-No list. We can immediately validate this by thinking of all our vulnerable women and children who need protecting from all the pedophiles, same-sex couples, non-Protestants, children without special needs, fashion terrorists, immigrants and other such dangers swishing about the cultural landscape at this very moment. Thankfully we’re insulated from thought crime on these two fronts!

At this time, some of you may have heard of something called “polls”, which are now open for “voters”. You may wonder what that means. Well first, voting is the process where many important choices for the American people are informed by the mass media, which then takes their treasured personal ideals and jumbles them all up with patriotic lies like a tossed salad. Citizens then come on down to these polls, where they are blindfolded and spun around in circles until dizzy, handed a stick, and asked to poke a piece of paper which identifies them as ‘one of us’ or ‘one of them’ as our democracy permits. Citizens must be careful while dizzily poking this paper, or ballot, so as to pierce it completely and not leave any hanging chads, which have caused some comical foibles in the past!

After the polls close, your ballot is carefully analyzed against your permanent government file, so that civil servants may then point, laugh and rat you out to their friends and neighbors in law enforcement and positions of power so that you may be inconvenienced in the future based on personal differences of opinion. Your ballot is then placed in a box, and then, if in Miami-Dade County, dumped into a river, and in Broward County, driven on the highways for hours and hours until well after the polls close so that your vote won’t be counted. A CIA-trained squad of genetically enhanced palmetto bugs forges ballots in other counties in Florida, which use their dung to simulate your power of choice. Granted this system is not as sophisticated as voting in other states, and hopefully in the future it will be upgraded to the new system of pre-printed simulations of your vote which are determined by a sign-language gorilla in a diaper who feeds your astrological chart into a Commodore64.

Let’s face it, our country embodies a spirit of democracy and free choice that broadcasts a distinctive smell of freedom around the globe. Just look at all the attention we receive!

That’s why we here at the Palmetto Patriot have decided to commission “The Electoral Kindergarten,” an ongoing series leading up to the big day, to inform voters how to think and vote just like the Media does! In the next days leading up to the general election, we will be posting fun tips and trivial information regarding the upcoming vote for this very purpose.

Stay tuned for more coconutty patriotism!
Cuida que el coco viene!!

L. Grant Pooka
Editor-in-Chief

BUSH to CONGRESS: “HAVE THIS ON MY DESK”

TITLE: Bush Prods Congress To Act On Stalled Legislative Agenda

AUTHOR: THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SOURCE: http://www.nydailynews.com

DATE: 31 March 2008

BODY:

WASHINGTON- On his way out of the country, President Bush stopped long enough Monday to tell Congress what to do while he was away: pass legislation he wants on matters of trade, housing and terrorist surveillance.

[Ed. Comment: Uh-huh. "Have this on my desk by the time I get back. Thanks, Junior. CEO, USA" His job must be so much easier now that the will of the People is out of the way. Bravo!]

In a quick statement from the driveway along the South Lawn, Bush tried to frame a legislative agenda for lawmakers once again.

[he'll frame the lawmakers, too.]

Bush and first lady Laura Bush then flew by helicopter to Andrews Air Force Base, where they departed for Ukraine. The president is also visiting Romania, Croatia and Russia in a trip built around the NATO summit in Bucharest, Romania.

Addressing reporters, Bush said Congress should pass a free-trade deal with Colombia, a law to modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and an update to a law allowing eavesdropping on suspected terrorists.

[in short, he wants his free cocaine, a bailout for his buddies, and to circumvent Due Process of Law and the Constitution just for shits and giggles ...again!]

“These are all vital priorities,” Bush said. “I ask members of both parties to get these important pieces of legislation to my desk as soon as possible.”

["Yes, Master!"]

The intelligence law Bush wants would make it easier for the government to spy on foreign phone calls and e-mails that pass through the United States.

[i.e.: The Palmetto Patriot = suspected terrorists?]

He will accept only a version that gives legal protection to telecommunications companies that helped the government wiretap U.S. computer and phone lines after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks without clearance from a secret court. Some lawmakers object to give the companies that level of legal immunity.

[...so that he doesn't have to pardon them himself for their illegal behavior. He doesn't know how to write.]

“Our intelligence professionals are waiting on Congress to give them the tools they need to monitor terrorist communications,” Bush said.

[George Washington was a terrorist, too; in British eyes, anyway]

Bush said the housing law he wants would allow more struggling homeowners to refinance their mortgages.

[his friends asked for some help with their real estate problems]

He said the trade pact with Colombia is an important way of helping a South American ally and businesses in the United States.

[and to get free cocaine on his desk every week.]

The president took no questions.

[SURPRISE!]

On his trip, Bush is promoting NATO expansion and trying to shore up ties with allies. But many world leaders have begun looking beyond him as his second White House term winds down.

Bush is beginning with a stop in Ukraine to tout that country’s democratic reforms.

[He wants to know what democracy is.]

The president then goes to Romania for his last summit with NATO leaders, where the alliance’s membership and the war in Afghanistan will be key topics.

[We've secretly replaced the Afghan government with rich Folger's crystals. Will they know the difference?]

Bush is also scheduled to visit Croatia and head to Russia for what will likely be his final meeting with Vladimir Putin as Russian president. Bush hopes to break a logjam between the two nations over a proposed U.S. missile defense system; Putin’s successor takes over in May.

[and if he can't un-jam his log he'll be very cross and tell his daddy]

The agenda is part of the busiest travel year in Bush’s presidency. He went to the Middle East in January and to Africa in February. After his current trip, Bush has five more major excursions on the books – from Europe to Asia, the Middle East to South America.

[why not? Might as well get some travel at taxpayers' expense while he still can]

Bush remains relevant to the end of his term as Commander In Chief. But some world leaders have begun to calculate how far they should commit to a president whose days are numbered and whose legacy had been tarnished by the war in Iraq. The 2008 U.S. presidential race is grabbing attention overseas.

[No shit. Europeans can't wait for Obama to be sworn in.]

At NATO, Bush is seeking to expand the alliance to include three Balkan countries – Albania, Croatia and Macedonia. He also wants Ukraine and Georgia to be on track for membership, but that idea faces stiff resistance from Putin, who sees it as a threat into Russia’s former sphere of influence.

[Don't worry, Junior, we'll get those commies someday! Oh wait...]

But Bush sees NATO expansion as a way to cement democratic gains in Europe. The United States and its NATO allies remain broadly united about the war in Afghanistan, but there has been trans-Atlantic bickering on how to proceed, too.

[Gangbang in Afghanistan! Woohoo! Free brown women for everyone!]

MONKEY VILLAGE goes BANANAS at TRANSIT LOUNGE

ENTERTAINMENT – REVIEWS

by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot

MIAMI – Tonight, my tropical compatriots, you may know one of the greatest reasons for which I miss my Miami so dearly. No, not because the writer of Dexter keeps stealing my one-liners… I am writing this as a PERSONAL TESTAMENT to the AWESOME GROOVELICITY of Monkey Village, because many of you know how strict a connoisseur of music both fine and funky I am, and that the altar of my church is in fact a subwoofer.

If you have never seen or heard of the Monkey Village, I am at Miss Anne’s behest letting you in on one of Miami’s VERY BEST music secrets. Believe you me, Europe has NOTHING on these guys!Tonight on the longest night of the year, Monkey Village is having their PHASE IV CD RELEASE PARTY, which erupts tonight from 10pm-2am at the Transit Lounge (729 sw 1st Ave, Brickell) for an AMAZING $0 cover!

Monkey Village is a collaborative sampling of Miami’s best music, a swirling blend of irregular appearances of various band members from SUENALO, SPAM ALL-STARS, LANZALLAMAS MONOFONICA, ELASTIC BOND, LOCOS por JUANA, AFROBETA, SHE SAID, CLEVELAND JONES, JUST THE TIP, JESSE JACKSON, OUT OF THE ANONYMOUS and RAW B JAE.If that’s not impressive enough, then those of you who also know my tendency to RAMBLE should also be made aware that the SHEER TALENT of this musical ensemble has for rendered me happily and utterly SPEECHLESS for many years now.

Tonight’s select ensemble celebrates the newest Monkey Village CD, Phase IV, and the ensemble tonight includes the following performers: Emiliano, Lasim, El Negro, and Lakambra of Locos Por Juana; Rodrigo of Juke; RaRa Kuyu; Cristy, Angela & Geneva of She Said; Ulysses of Out Of The Anonymous; Brian of Raw B Jae; and trippy visual art by Eva Ruiz and Arlene Davila.

If by chance you’re a PUNK and can’t make it to the show, I strongly advise keeping an ear or at least a GOOGLE ALERT out for this protean party wagon wherever it turns up! Violators will answer to me. Papa Pooka wouldn’t steer you wrong, at least not on music anyway!

MUSIC MASKS MOODY MIAMI MONDAYS

ENTERTAINMENT – REVIEWS

NOTHING TO DO IN MIAMI ON MONDAY NIGHTS?
Prayers Born from Adult Boredom Have Been Answered
by L. Grant Pooka
The Palmetto Patriot

For many years I have suffered the Monday blues in Miami… the beginning of the work week is not only bright and full of assholes, but a sharp contrast to the weekend nightlife that has raked billions of pookied-out dollars into the local economy for over a decade. It’s like chocolate withdrawal, a taxing rehabilitation for the Miami-born Night Owl. However, I am now able to declare, using a quote from Red Dwarf: “‘Tis p’shaw and nonsense!”

For starters, grab a buddy and head on down to Laundry Bar [701 Lincoln Lane North, South Beach] for a quick drink and larf… Ask bartender Ernie to blow fire from his mouth with some 151. Yes, it’s primarily a lesbian venue, so there’s plenty of appeal for you wannabe-lesbian straight dudes out there. But it’s no cover and 2-4-1 until 9pm, after which it gets kind of un-interesting anyway, so how can you go wrong?

Then once your spin cycle is finished, cross over to the mainland and hit the Transit Lounge [729 SW 1st Ave @ Calle Ocho, Brickell District] for JAM Night. There’s no cover, the drinks are cheap, and as the night suggests, it’s a jam! Locals armed with loaded instruments get up and grind with regulars and irregulars from the local latin jazz & funk scene, Spam All-Stars, Suénalo, Smurphio, Lanzallamas Monofónicas… the deep resulting rhythms are enough to awaken my art directors’s self-dubbed volcanopussy. See big daddy Chad prove himself the best trombonist this side of the Mississippi and a smokin’ hot mac daddy to boot!

If the fire’s ready to cool off, then may I suggest the most pleasant surprise of all? Miami Jazz Jam at, of all places, Churchill’s Hideaway [5501 NE 2nd Ave, Little Haiti], lays down a smooth game in the unlikeliest of places. We went for a quick swoop thru Sweat Records, but instead of the usual, cheap and desperate punk-meets-G-Unit fare that has infested Churchill’s for a decade, we were enticed inside by the refreshing vocals of Renée Fiallos and her jazz ensemble. Fiallo’s easy-breezy songbird voice soars thru the air like the ghost of Ella, Billie or Nina, with as much appeal. The band, which will release a new CD this September, is noticeably more eclectic, utopian and talented than anything we’d seen in the Miami underground, and is not to be missed. That’s an order.

So, little Miami kiddies, your prayers for something to do Monday nights have been answered in the most surprising of ways. Where once was silence now is jazz. The axis runs hot on the South end, cool on the North end, and wonderful at both. Dust off your fannies, summon up your cognac-lust, and enjoy.

JAM night at Transit Lounge starts at 10pm.

Miami Jazz Jam at Churchill’s Hideaway starts at 9:30.

Renee Fiallos & Ensemble play at 1:00am.

FORBES: Miami Tops America’s Shitlist

[Ed. Note: We at the Palmetto Patriot apologize for re-posting this incredibly mundane swill of real estate gargle, but we again find it interesting that someone has fudged a set of numbers that construes Miami, once again, as America's Top Sh**hole. Thanks, America!]

TITLE: RISKIEST U.S. HOUSING MARKETS

AUTHOR: Matt Woolsey (FORBES.com)

SOURCE: http://www.forbes.com/2007/07/17/risk-housing-homes-forbeslife-cx_mw_0717realestate.html

BODY:

Those looking to spin the real estate roulette wheel might want to steer clear of Miami. It ranks first on our list of the nation’s riskiest real estate markets. There, a high share of adjustable-rate mortgages, high vacancy rates and slumping prices still too elevated for the local populous means should long-term bond yields climb, interest rates jump or the housing crisis linger much longer, things could go from bad to worse. Affairs are not much better farther north–or west.

Following in Miami’s wake are Orlando, Sacramento and San Francisco. Our ranking of the country’s riskiest markets measures which of the 40 largest metros are most vulnerable to future shocks. We’ve done this by assessing which have the most strained lending conditions, and which markets are the most overvalued and likely to face downward price pressures. Many of the cities on our list–like San Francisco and San Diego–are traditional high fliers where speculators can still make a lot of money if they pick the right neighborhood or hit the price trough. Of course, they might also take a serious bath.

Others, like Chicago or Phoenix, are generally stable markets that are currently under significant strains. Finally, some, like Cincinnati or Kansas City, are precariously teetering and are not well equipped to handle further downturn.

Crunching The Numbers

A good place to start in assessing risk is the state of the local mortgage market. Take adjustable-rate mortgages, or ARMs, in which borrowers, for a limited time, usually five or seven years, make interest-only or reduced-rate payments. The most obvious danger in this is that at the end of the five- or seven-year term, monthly payments increase to a rate the borrower is unable to sustain. Given Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke’s continuing worries about inflation, economists say there’s a good chance rates could go up in the next couple of years, meaning that the increased costs of lending will be passed along to ARM borrowers, and that can mean higher rates of defaults. What’s more, high ARM share generally means a market is unaffordable to its residents.

The metros with the highest shares of ARMs, according to the National Association of Realtors, are in San Francisco, San Diego and Los Angeles, respectively. These three cities are also the most overpriced, according to our price-to-earnings measure. And these areas are three of the four least affordable to the local population, according to the National Association of Home Builders and Wells Fargo’s affordability index. If rates go up or lending tightens, fewer will be able to buy in, bringing the markets to a screeching halt. Another arbiter of risk? Cities with a high proportion of mortgages with loan-to-value ratios in excess of 90%. Loan-to-value (LTV) measures the size of the mortgage to a home’s overall value. In a standard home buy, the down payment is 10% of the overall value, meaning the LTV is 90%. When the loan-to-value ratio is above 90%, it means buyers have little equity in their homes. And homeowners with low equity are far more likely to default or walk away from a mortgage.

If the market teeters and lenders take a hit from defaults, it can depress prices overall, as is currently being seen with the subprime lending fallout. For that reason, Kansas City is particularly vulnerable. It has a 39% share of mortgages with LTV ratios above 90%. The median rate for cities on our list was 11%, according to the National Association of Realtors. We next mixed in a price-to-earnings ratio for each market. (Like the P/E of a stock, this value attempts to measure the price a homeowner would pay for one dollar of return.) Using data from the National Association of Realtors, the U.S. Census Bureau and the Office of Federal Housing Enterprise Oversight, we took each market’s median home price and divided it by annual rents minus taxes and insurance for those properties.

The price-to-earnings ratio highlights two significant risks. It magnifies risk factors in overly expensive markets in which there is more money at stake. For example, a 5% drop in median home prices in San Francisco is possible; but the nominal equivalent, a 24% price drop in Dallas, is not something the market is likely to bear. Second, overvalued bubble markets are more likely to face downward price pressures in a slumping market as overvalued markets are, by definition, most likely to experience a correction. A final factor was vacancy rates. It’s not a complicated or glamorous measurement, but it’s difficult to find a better indicator of supply and demand. Orlando’s staggering 5.2% vacancy rate represents a significant risk factor for the city. Strong local economic indicators like job growth and immigration significantly mitigate that risk, but it is in a vulnerable position should there be an economic slowdown or a disruptive hurricane season.

Two larger cities that performed very well by this measure were Los Angeles and New York, which ranked fourth and eighth for lowest vacancy rate. While both cities had high ARM shares and high P/Es, their low vacancy rates bode well for those markets.